Undeserving
by y-nikiforovv
Summary: Tsukki has too many emotion bottles, and sometimes they all fall off the shelf and shatter and before he can stop it everything comes flooding out


Tsukishima was walking out of the gym after their match with the rest of the team, next to Yamaguchi, just like usual. He handed Yamaguchi his water bottle, "Hey Tadashi, I'm gonna use the bathroom quick, can you hold this for me?"

Tsukishima's face was sticky from sweat and burning from the physical activity, so he was going to stick his face in the sink for a minute or so.

Yamaguchi took the water bottle from Tsukishima, "Yeah, should I wait for you?"

Tsukishima shook his head, "I'll meet you guys in the lobby, you can go on ahead."

"Ok," Yamaguchi nodded, "I'll let Dai— Ennoshita-san know."

Yamaguchi messed up on the names. Much like Tsukishima, he wasn't used to referring to Ennoshita as the captain yet since it was still early in the yeahr.

"Thanks," Tsukishima replied as he turned in the opposite direction the team went, on his way to the bathrooms.

He reached it, pushed the door open, and made his way to the sink. He turned it on and splashed some water on his face. The cool water felt amazing on his overheated skin.

His brain felt empty now that he was free from the constant calculations and reasoning from the match, and he actually had a moment to think. This was when his brain began wandering towards a dark place. Just like it always did when he had a moment to think.

This was why he loved listening to music so much, it kept his thoughts occupied so they stayed from the harsh, overly-critical place they went now. But he had no music, no extra noise to distract him. Just the running water of the sink.

 _I'm a horrible person. I'm so horrible._

Once they started, they wouldn't stop. The horrible horrible thoughts that came with the absence of noise. He bottled them up for too long, and then every so often he broke and the emotions came flooding out faster than he could bottle them up.

 _I'm such an asshole, why am I such an asshole?_

He wasn't sure why he was berating himself for being an asshole specifically, it didn't really have anything to do with the current situation after all.

 _Shut up, shut up,_ _**shut up.**_

He felt tears start to form in the corners of his eyes, and his breath caught in his chest.

 _I'm not gonna cry, I won't._

He pressed his glasses into his face with the heels of his palms.

 _Crying is for weak people, I'm not weak._ _**I'm not weak.**_

Maybe if he concentrated hard enough he would be able to make himself stop.

 _I'm not going to cry._

Just maybe.

 _Goddammit Kei get it together. Get. It. Together._

 _Yamaguchi's gonna come looking for you soon, you can't let him see you like this._

 _Stop it. You're_ _ **not**_ _crying._

"Dammit. Stop it Kei. Stop. Crying."

He hoped that saying it aloud might help, it didn't.

Then he heard the door open, and Yamaguchi's voice, "Tsukki?"

He probably saw Tsukishima standing in front of the sink with his hands over his face.

"Tsukki are you okay?"

"Tadashi," Tsukishima's voice shook noticeably, "am I an asshole?"

Yamaguchi hesitated for a moment, "Tsukki, of course you're not."

Tsukishima took his hands off of his face, but still didn't turn around, "You hesitated."

"Tsukki…" Yamaguchi's voice was quiet, and he trailed off.

"No, really," Tsukishima countered, "Can you tell me how many times I've complimented you?"

"Huh?" Yamaguchi seemed surprised by the question.

Tsukishima couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and he felt them pooling in his glasses.

 _Damn goggles._

He turned around, and looked at Yamaguchi. The world was distorted, due to the tears in his glasses, "I can tell you. I can count on one hand how many times. _Zero_. You made so many serves in today, and I didn't compliment you once. No 'Nice serve Tadashi', no 'Good job Tadashi', nothing. _Nothing_. And that's just today."

Yamaguchi went to talk, "T-tsukki, it's okay. I love you any—"

"No. It's not okay, it has _never_ been okay. I don't. _Fucking_. Deserve you." his voice was filled with anger as he yelled at his boyfriend, who stood in front of him with a shocked expression on his face. He could barely see now, his glasses were so full of tears. They were beginning to leak out and drip down his face as he continued, "I _don't_ deserve you, I'm _horrible_ to you. I get on your case about the _tiniest little things_ , and yet you _still_ spend time with me. I'm _such_ an _asshole_."

"Tsukki," Yamaguchi stepped forward and stood on the tips of his toes. He wrapped his arms around Tsukishima's shoulders, pinning his arms to his sides, and pulled him down into a hug, "Shut up, and hug me."

Tsukishima squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn't keep them open anymore, the tears were stinging his eyes, and awkwardly wrapped his arms around Yamaguchi's waist. It was the best he could do with the inability to move his shoulders.

He felt one of Yamaguchi's arms unwrap from around his shoulders, and he felt the pressure of the glasses on his face leave, and the tears came spilling down his face. He felt the arm wrap back around his chest, and moved his arms up to be around his torso more in order to hold him more securely.

Neither said anything for a few minutes, but then Yamaguchi broke the silence, "If you're such an asshole, then why did you hug me when I asked? Why are you still holding on so tightly?"

Tsukishima remained quiet and opened his eyes.

Yamaguchi continued, "You're not an asshole Tsukki. I promise. And if you start being even a little bit of one, I'll let you know. Don't worry about a thing."

In response to this, Tsukishima squeezed his eyes shut again, and held Yamaguchi even more tightly than before. He rested his chin on Yamaguchi's shoulder, and in a voice that was barely audible he whispered, "I love you Tadashi. Nice job today."

"Love you too Kei."


End file.
